Fine Tuning Submission:

Recently my husband and I talked (again) about submission. He pointed out how submission to God and him involves a lot of humility, trust in God, and tiny little choices. Let me give you a little personal background information. I am generally a reserved person. I laugh and smile a lot in everyday situations, but when it comes down to a tense situation I tend to withdraw into myself and “go real quiet”. I am generally not a loud person and I really try hard not to say something that I’ll regret later, so I tend to clamp down my mouth, when in a confrontational situation or when I am displeased with a situation. This is especially how I react to my husband when I am frustrated or have my feelings hurt or am fearful, etc. He may ask what is wrong and my common response is that I am “having thoughts”. He’ll ask what kind of thoughts and I’ll tell him that I dealing with some things before the Lord and don’t want to talk about it just yet. (I am not saying this is a God honoring reaction, but it made sense to me until recently.)

Now here’s my reasoning for such a response. I am frustrated with him and don’t want to start an argument. I know that I am reacting (internally) with a sinful attitude and so am trying to confess that to God and “deal with it”, without blame shifting things towards my husband. And I will admit that sometimes I am holding onto that sinful response and excusing it, but I don’t want to outwardly admit it… so I subconsciously punish my husband through my silence. (That one is the hardest one to admit.)

Ryan challenged me. He said that I am contradicting God’s word as well as my own advice given to others. He pointed out how God calls us to confess and repent. And he said that we are not called to fight sin on our own. God says that we need other believers to help us and hold us accountable. Regarding the confession and repentance, he said that it is simple and goes something like this… “Ryan I am struggling with feelings of fear, distrust, and subsequent anger towards you. I know that it is sinful and shows that I do not trust God or you. Would you please forgive me?“ At which point he may choose to discuss the particulars of what is tempting this sinful reaction, or maybe he’ll pray with me, etc. Then I am called to actively repent of those sins through prayer, meditation on scripture, and various other “put-offs” that the bible calls us to. The feelings don’t change right away, but the fight is on to submit them to God’s will in a way that God will bless. But Ryan counseled that you don’t try to win the battle first and then confess. (At that rate, you will probably forget that you are in a battle and move on without ever having dealt with the sin fully before God and man. Or once you finally do get your feelings under control or just plain masked, you’ll forget to go back and confess.)

However, what I have been doing is trying to repent first and hopefully confess later. I have been trying to take those pride-based hurt feelings as well as my fears (distrust in God and not “believing all things” about my husband 1 Cor 13:7) to God before confessing my sin to my husband. In the meantime, I have reacted to my husband with various evidences of my displeasure, frustration, etc… and all the stuff that has been going through my head/heart (though it has not come out of my mouth) has effectively been communicated to my husband through my facial expression, body language, sometimes a sigh or sound of disgust, etc. So I have still acted out sinfully toward my husband, but in a way that I can rationalize or try to justify. (It sounds really holy when I say that I am giving my husband the silent treatment because I am praying over my own sin, don’t you think?) Plus, let me just say that when I am “dealing with it silently” I am less likely to go back and seek forgiveness for all those quiet “respectable” sins, because I haven’t technically sinned outwardly (or so the self-righteous would have you believe). How much have I really repented when I am still too prideful to humbly seek forgiveness? Not enough.

Plus this is ultimately a prideful way of “fighting sin”… which means that it won’t work because you can’t fight sin with sin. Why do I say that it’s a prideful way of fighting sin? Because in the above scenario, I am trying to cut my husband (my God given authority) out of the picture and “go it alone”. At the heart of the matter, I don’t want to tell him about my sin. As much as I hate to admit this, I kind of like thinking that I’m holy enough to deal with it on my own. (Whoa, there’s some dangerous thinking!) And while I’m quietly (or not so quietly) “waging war against the flesh” my husband is squirming under my silent mistreatment of him; so I get a bit of revenge too. This paints a really ugly picture of my sin, ladies and that’s what it is. But I suspect that I am not the only lady out there who is doing these same things and deceiving herself into thinking that it’s a God honoring reaction, just as I was.

So why is this a lack of submission? Because God in His sovereignty has given me authority. I am not some autonomous being able to think and act as I please. Nor are my thoughts (and facial expressions) my own to do with as I please. I am called to fully submit to my husband, which includes my thoughts and struggles, etc. When Ryan asks what is wrong, I don’t get to hold back a part of myself and say that I am not going to tell him. Nope, it’s all his: my mind, my body, everything. He will give an account to God for me someday, and I am going to really make it a bad experience for him if I am harboring sin in my mind and won’t submit that aspect of my life to him.

So the main point here is that I need to submit fully to my husband. That includes being open about my sin and struggles, so that he can help me fight the sin which so “easily entangles us”. And it also means that I have to recognize the “small sins” (such as pride, frustration, fear and even the silent treatment) as sin, and be willing to confess first and then promptly begin the process of repentance (now with the help and prayers of my husband). God will bless us when we submit to Him, His ways and His sovereignly placed authority such as our husbands! May we fight the good fight in the way that God has ordained it to be fought and as such won! God bless.